FIFTY-NINE

I was still wide awake and listening to my wristwatch tick away the seconds when I heard the bedroom door open gently. It was nearly two-thirty in the morning. I flicked on the bedroom light to find Thomas standing in the doorway, looking defeated and haggard.

"Why did he do that?" he asked in a slow, tired voice. I held out my arms to him to pull him into a hug, but he stood rooted to the spot.

"Where were you?" I asked quietly.

"I found a bar."

"Are you drunk?"

He shook his head. "I just needed to go somewhere to absorb all of this." He sat on the edge of the bed with his back to me. "Why did he do that?" Thomas repeated, this time more forcefully.

I bit my bottom lip, feeling extremely guilty even though I did not do anything wrong. "He wants closure."

Thomas shot me a disgusted look. "You haven't spoken to him in two years. He needs to grow up and get over it."

"Just hear me out, okay? He gave me a ticket to that game so we could meet and talk."

"Don't," Thomas said in a short, nervous tone. "Don't go. If he wanted to talk he could come here. You don't need to go to that game. I don't know what he's trying to pull, but I don't like it."

I scooted over beside him and took his hands in mine. "I have to go to the game. I've tried cutting him out of my life and it didn't work. I can't keep avoiding Pittsburgh just because he's here. I can't keep worrying that he is going to show up on our doorstep. I tried taking the easy way out and it didn't work. If I do what he asks and go to the game, he can be gone for good."

Thomas was quiet for a few long seconds before he sighed and reluctantly agreed. "What was the ring about?" he asked, his voice strained with emotion.

I couldn't bring myself to make eye contact with him. "Sidney…um…he was planning to propose."

Thomas nodded slowly and raised my left hand to his lips. "Give him his closure. But don't forget whose ring you're wearing," he said, kissing my engagement ring.

***

I washed all the makeup off my face for the third time and prepared for a fresh start. No matter what I did or what colors I used, I could not be satisfied with the way I looked. Even my hair was wrong.

Thomas paced into the bathroom for the fourth time and sighed deeply. "You look way to pretty," he said with dissatisfaction.

I couldn't help but laugh. "I'm not even wearing any makeup!"

He shook his head and stomped into the living room. "You'd better hurry. Game starts in an hour."

I quickly traced my eyes with brown eyeliner and brushed on eye shadow and blush. I totally understood why Thomas was upset—tonight was the game. He had been moody all day, and when he noticed how long I was taking to get ready his bad mood escalated. I kept telling myself that I just wanted to look nice, but subconsciously I knew I was trying to look good for Sidney. And I kind of hated myself for it.

I gave myself a once-over in the full-length mirror on the back of the bathroom door. I was wearing jeans, red Chuck Taylors, and a white Canadiens tee-shirt. I momentarily considered wearing Sid's jersey, which was buried in a handbag deep in my closet so Thomas wouldn't find it, but I pushed the idea out of my mind. My mind was a complete mess tonight. I kept alternating between dread and excitement when I thought about meeting with Sid.

I exhaled deeply and exited to the living room. Thomas was standing between the living room and the kitchen, blocking my exit. His arms were crossed over his chest and he did not look happy.

"You're still in love with him," he accused.

I laughed, a little too nervously, and shook my head. "You're ridiculous."

"Look at yourself, Karine! You spent two fucking hours getting ready for a hockey game! And you know what the worst part is? You look happier than you have since I met you. I have never seen you like this. You're fucking glowing. Because you're going to see him."

I rolled my eyes dramatically. "I'm wearing blush, you idiot." I pushed past him and grabbed my car keys from the hook by the door.

"I love you!" Thomas yelled as I slammed the door behind me. But his tone wasn't loving at all.

***

As I entered Le Centre Bell, I realized that I could not come up with one reason why Sidney wanted me to come with this game. It made sense for us to meet while we were in Montreal, but we could have met after the game. Granted, the seat was amazing and I did appreciate that. Four rows off the class, slightly to the right of center ice. I settled in and checked my messages. One from Thomas. "Be good." Yeah, thanks mom. Sylvie: "I need to know every minor detail of what goes on tonight." I laughed to myself. Although she was going to be my maid of honor in August, she was still pulling for Sid. "You can't deny your soulmate," she told me after Thomas and I got engaged. "He'll be back in your life one way or the other." My lips twitched into a smile. I guess she was right.

I felt a little guilty about the way I left the apartment. Thomas had every right to be upset. While I understood, I couldn't bring myself to feel badly for him. I had never felt this way towards him before…like he was holding me back. I shook my head, trying to get all the bad feelings out as the teams took to the ice.

The Pens were stationed on my side of the ice for the first period. I located number 87 immediately during the preskate. He skated close to the boards and pretended to inspect his stick, but I saw his eyes scanning the area where I was sitting. Our eyes met and he winked, causing me to blush slightly. I gave him a small wave and he skated away.

Good God, I thought. What the hell is my problem? I've turned into a 13 year old girl.

During Sid's first shift of the game, I realized why he had insisted on me being at the game. This was the first time I had seen him play live (or otherwise…I avoided all Pens games, even during the finals, even when they were playing the Habs) since I left Pittsburgh. I felt his intensity. He was composed, concentrated, and a total force when he was on the ice. I watched him in awe and lost track of the game when a man in a black Penguins polo shirt tapped me on the shoulder. "Excuse me, Miss Lemieux? If you would follow me, please." There was less than two minutes left in the game and the Penguins were up by three. He led me to the concourse level and through a discreet door and down to the visiting team's locker room. "You could have a seat, if you'd like," the man said, gesturing to a chair positioned against the wall. "Mr. Crosby is bypassing the press conference tonight. He will be out as soon as possible."

I thanked him and took a seat as he walked away. I chewed on my bottom lip nervously but stopped once I was conscious of my nervous habit. I crossed and uncrossed my legs four times. My right leg would not stop bouncing up and down at a rapid pace. I sighed loudly and tried to calm down.

I was there for about fifteen minutes before the locker room door opened. I jumped up, expecting Sid, but instead came face to face with Jordan Staal.

He looked like a deer caught in the headlights, and I'm sure I didn't look much better.

"Karine," he finally stammered, sounding surprised and awkward. "What are you doing here?"

"I, um, I'm actually waiting for Sid."

Now he looked straight up confused. "Oh. Okay. Well…have fun." He quickly walked past me. I was expecting him to break out in a dead run just to get away from me. I sighed and sat down again.

I had awkward encounters with six other players who recognized me before Sidney finally exited.

I stood up and couldn't stop from smiling widely. All the nervous butterflies were gone…instead I felt calm and relaxed. Noticeably different from the way I felt at Uncle Mario's house the last time we saw each other. I tried to account for the difference, but I couldn't come up with a reason. All I knew was I was extremely happy to see him.

"I'm so glad you're here," he said, moving towards me.

"Me too," I replied.

He smiled, but looked slightly puzzled. "I was under the impression you hated me."

"Well…so was I."

We stood facing each other. I was conscious of every breath, every flicker of his eyelids. For a second I thought he was going to kiss me, but he stepped back, looking a little flustered.

"Ready to go?" he asked, trying to compose himself.

"Where are we going?"

"Somewhere where we can talk."

I followed him out of the arena and into the player's parking lot, where a taxi was waiting in the near corner. We slid into the backseat and I couldn't help but think that this was eerily similar to a date. And I didn't mind at all.

FIFTY-EIGHT

Since I haven't updated since February (I know, I suck), some people have asked for a short summary of old chapters. I'm only going to sum up things that are pertinent to this next chapter. Karine let her jealousy get the best of her and confronted Alissa, a newly hired trainer for the Pens and an old friend of Sidney's, about her intentions regarding Sid. The night before, Sid and Karine had some plans for Valentine's Day, but Alissa kept him late at the hospital, with the excuse of further tests for his high ankle sprain, and then took him to dinner. Karine's temper flared while she was talking to Alissa, and she slapped her. Sid took Alissa's side and Karine left the arena very upset. After sitting in the snow in a graveyard for several hours, Jordan Staal finally found Karine and tried to talk her into going back to the arena to talk to Sid. Without realizing what she was doing, Karine kissed Jordan. Sidney showed up a few minutes later and took Karine into his car to talk. He apologized, telling her that Alissa confessed to manipulating Sid to try to steal him from Karine and that she was no longer working with the Pens. Karine told him that she kissed Jordan, and then told him that she did not want to be in a relationship with him anymore. He reluctantly let her leave and she got a hotel room Downtown. The next morning, she returned to the house they shared when she knew he would be at practice and packed all her clothes and belongings and called Sylvie, who had broken up with Marc-André and moved back to Montreal. The story picks up two years later, with a newly engaged Karine returning to Pittsburgh for Christmas with her fiancé, Thomas. Nathalie informs her that Sidney decided to stay in Pittsburgh for the holiday, using a tight game schedule as an excuse. At first Karine doesn't think he will come around the Lemieux house, but as she is playing Wii with Austin and Alexa, Sid enters the room.

Phew. So much for a short summary. Anyway, on with the show....





My heart began to race and flutter within my ribcage. I was being attacked by a million emotions upon hearing Sidney pronounce my name in that loving way—I was scared, I was happy, I was confused…I took a deep breath and turned around to see him standing in the entryway, leaning against the doorjamb casually.

Austin and Alexa exchanged a look and left the room, leaving me and Sidney alone. We were standing at opposite ends of the family room, neither one of us moving to approach the other. It was like we were in the middle of a standoff and we were waiting for the other to pull out his gun.

Sidney smiled widely, and my mouth twitched into a nervous smirk in reply.

"Hi," he said simply.

"Hi."

His eyes slowly travelled over my body, making me feel a little self-conscious. "You look great."

"Thanks," I replied. "I'm trying to lose some weight. For the wedding."

He chuckled and took a seat on the couch. "I heard about that. Congratulations. But to an accountant, Karine? Really?"

My cheeks flushed as I felt the need to defend Thomas. "He is an amazing man and I love him. Just because he isn't a professional hockey player doesn't make you any better than him."

"I didn't say that," Sidney said as he patted the couch, indicating for me to take a seat. I ignored the gesture. "So you're really getting married?"

"In August."

"I probably won't be invited."

I paused. "I don't think Thomas would be okay with you being there."

Sidney shrugged. "That's if there even is a wedding."

I colored again. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, I don't know. You said he's an amazing man and you love him. That's great. But…" he paused and his expression changed. He suddenly looked much older, and very sad. "You said you loved me too."

I could feel my heart breaking. All this time I had been telling myself that breaking up with Sidney was the best thing I could have done, that all the drama we had been through was something I could not deal with for the rest of my life. I was so focused on myself—what was best for me, how I felt after leaving him—that I didn't stop to think about how hard this was on him.

"I came back from practice and you were gone," he said quietly. He couldn't make eye contact with me. He stared at his hands intently and blinked. "I had flowers. I wanted to figure things out. I thought everything was going to get back on track with Alissa gone. I thought we were going to fix things. I thought we were okay. And you were gone."

Tears gathered in my eyes and I slid onto the couch to sit beside him.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered, placing my hand on his thigh. "But…you have to admit, the few months that we were together were pretty rough. We couldn't make our lives fit together. I was constantly stressed out and I was doubting my feelings for you…we moved so fast. Too fast. I couldn't handle it. We couldn't make it work."

"Let's try again," Sid begged. "We'll take it slow this time. You can get your own place. I won't even spend the night for the first couple months. We'll do things at your pace. We'll take it slow."

"Sidney, my fiancé is sleeping upstairs," I replied quietly. "It's too late."

"No, Karine. It is never too late." He stood up and left the room.

I sighed and buried my face in my hands.


***


Dinner was one of the most awkward experiences of my life. Thomas and Sidney sat directly across the table from each other, staring daggers the entire time. Uncle Mario tried to start a conversation and failed miserably. I wanted to crawl under the table and stay there forever.

Later that night as we were getting ready for bed, Thomas began to vent.

"Was it really necessary for him to be here for dinner? I understand he has to stay in town because of the game schedule but he did not need to be here. What is he trying to pull?"

"Calm down, baby," I said softly as I kissed his cheek. "Uncle Mario practically adopted him. He's here a lot."

Thomas shook his head and crawled into bed. "He's trying to get you back."

"You're paranoid," I replied with a laugh. "Besides, it doesn't matter. He can try to get me all he wants. You already have me."


***


The rest of the Lemieux family arrived on Christmas Eve. We spent the day together at Uncle Mario's, catching up and relaxing. Sid did not make an appearance, which I was extremely grateful for. Uncle Mario told me that his parents and sister flew in to spend the holiday with him in Pittsburgh.

We went to Christmas Eve mass and went to bed early, certain that the younger members of the family would be dragging us all out of bed at six in the morning to see what Père Noël placed under the Christmas tree for everyone.

As expected, four kids, all under the age of seven, came bursting into the room before dawn and dragged Thomas and me downstairs. "Come onnnnnn," Julien whined. "You guys are so slow!"

Aunt Nathalie smiled when we entered the living room and handed me a cup of coffee.

"You're an angel," I mumbled, taking a deep drink.

After the children tore through their presents and had relocated into other rooms to play with their new toys, the adults exchanged gifts. I received a wool pea coat from my parents, a gift certificate for a spa in suburban Montreal from my sister and her husband, and beautiful pearl earrings from Thomas.

Aunt Nathalie was cleaning up the wrapping paper scattered under the tree when she found one more present for me. It was a rectangular box, wrapped in shiny light blue paper. A tag in the left corner showed that it was for me.

"Who's it from?" I asked, looking at everyone curiously. Everyone had given me their gifts, and no one recognized the wrapping. However, I recognized the sloppy scrawl on the tag immediately.

I wanted to wait until I was alone to open Sidney's gift, because I was not sure what it could possibly be. Unfortunately for me, Thomas was intrigued by the mystery present and urged me to open it. I reluctantly unwrapped the box and lifted the cover off. Thomas shot me a confused look as I lifted a ticket to a Canadiens game out of the box.

"Only one ticket?" Thomas asked curiously. "It's for the Pens game next week."

I frowned slightly. A ticket to a hockey game was a strange gift for me. All I had to do was ask Uncle Mario, and I could get tickets to any game I wanted. A piece of paper was folded into a small square was lying on top of the soft white padding in the box. I wanted to replace the ticket before Thomas noticed the note, but I was too late. He swiped the paper from the box and scanned it quickly. He only glanced at the paper for two seconds—just long enough to see Sidney's signature at the bottom. He frowned at me, and then his eyes caught something sparkling in the box. I gasped when I saw a diamond ring sitting innocently in the center of the box.

Thomas' frown transformed into a thin, angry line. He opened his mouth like he wanted to say something to me, but instead got up and left the room without a word. I heard him slam the front door behind him and start up the rented car. I watched his taillights fade down the driveway and onto the street. He probably didn't have a destination in mind….he just needed to get away from me.

My heart and mind were racing as I too left the room without a word. I could feel the curious eyes of my family follow me out of the room, but I did not offer them an explanation. I ran up the stairs into the guest bedroom and locked the door behind me. I sat cross-legged in the middle of the bed and placed the ticket, the ring, and the note in front of me. With shaking hands, I smoothed out the note and took a deep breath. I couldn't understand why Sid had given me these things, but I knew the note would help me make sense of it all.

Karine—

You probably aren't very happy with me right now. I could see it in your eyes yesterday…you just want me to go away. You want me to move on like you did and forget what we had. I'm sorry, but I can't do that. You owe me an explanation. You never justified why you left me. I was willing to work things out. I was willing to forgive you. But you didn't even give us a chance. I'm giving you a ticket to the game next week because I want to see you and I want to talk. I need to talk. I'm not over you. Not at all. And you owe it to me to talk about what went wrong. Maybe when I understand exactly why you ripped my heart out and stomped all over it I can finally move on. Please come to the game. Please show me a shred of respect and come to see me.

As for the ring…no, it is not a proposal. I'm not stupid enough to ask you to marry me now. I bought the ring on Valentine's Day. I wasn't going to propose to you that night, but I knew at some point we would know we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. I was waiting for that moment. Unfortunately, that moment never came…everything fell apart. I couldn't bring myself to take the ring back to the jeweler's. I want you to have it. I can't stand looking at it anymore.
I'll see you next week.

Love,
Sidney

I sighed and pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes. I had thought that I could leave Pittsburgh and avoid Sidney for the rest of my life, and things would be okay. I was wrong.

FIFTY-SEVEN

The next day was sunny and uncommonly warm for late February. I waited until eleven, when I knew Sid would be at the arena, before I left the hotel and returned to the house. I found my luggage shoved in the hallway closet and began packing all my clothes, jewelry—everything that I owned. This probably wasn't the best way to go about everything, and I knew Sid would be devastated to find every trace of my existence removed from the bedroom we once shared, but I couldn't face him. I knew he would try to talk me out of leaving and I could not let that happen.

As I was transferring shirts from the closet to my suitcase, I found the jersey Sidney had given me in October, the second or third time we had hung out. My fingers trailed over his last name and it felt like someone punched me in the stomach.

I wonder how long it will be before that feeling goes away, I thought bitterly.

I neatly folded the jersey and carefully placed it in my suitcase. I would allow myself to have one reminder.

I packed quickly, because I was unsure of when Sidney would return. My backseat was crowded with bags and suitcases, and I went back inside to double check to make sure I had everything. I walked through the kitchen and ran my hand across the granite island countertop. Sid had bought this house with me in mind, and I was leaving after living here for less than two months. We didn't even get to have a housewarming party.

I found a piece of paper and a pen and wrote Sidney's name on the top. I wanted to leave him a note, maybe as a form of closure, but the words wouldn't come. I crumpled up the paper and threw it in the wastebasket. I sighed and took my house key off my key ring. I stared at it for a few seconds before leaving it on the table near the front door.

I locked and closed the door behind me and left the house for the last time.

I was driving to Montreal—it was at least a ten hour trip without traffic, but I didn't mind. I needed some alone time to deal with my thoughts. I dug through my purse and found the address I had scribbled on the back of a bank deposit slip and entered it in my GPS. I took a deep breath, pulled out of the driveway, and dialed Sylvie's number.

"Hey, what's up?" she greeted cheerfully.

"Still looking for a roommate?" I asked

Two years later

"Karine, wake up," a familiar voice told me in French.

I smiled and my eyes fluttered open to find my fiancé inches away from my face.

"We're here." He retrieved our bags from the overhead compartments and I followed him off the plane and into Pittsburgh International Airport. "I'll get our luggage," he said after we had finished passing through security.

I stood off to the side and ran my left hand through my hair. The substantial diamond resting on my ring finger caught my eye and I smiled down at it. After dating for almost two years, Thomas had asked me to marry him about a month ago. We were planning on getting married next August in Montreal, where both our families were from.

Nerves attacked my stomach as I surveyed the faces crowding the airport. Uncle Mario and Aunt Nathalie were hosting the Lemieux family Christmas this year, and it was the first time I had been in Pittsburgh since Sidney and I had broken up. My mind was playing tricks with me—every man I saw was either Sidney or one of his teammates. That's how terrified I was to be here…Thomas and I were staying for three days, and I barely planned to leave Uncle Mario's house during that time. I didn't want to see any of the guys, especially not Sidney.

I flipped open my phone and scrolled to Aunt Nathalie's number. I wanted to call and let her know our plane landed safely.

"Salut, Karine," Aunt Nathalie greeted me brightly.

"Salut, Aunt Nathalie. I just wanted to let you know our plane just landed, so we'll be there in about half an hour."

"Oh, wonderful! We're all so excited to see you and Thomas."

"We're excited, too. I've missed everyone so much."

"Oh, Karine…there's one more thing. Sidney decided to stay in Pittsburgh for Christmas, so he'll be joining us for dinner tonight," she added in a forcedly casual tone. "Is that okay?"

"Oh, um, sure," I stammered. "Yeah. That's…that's great." I told Aunt Nathalie goodbye as Thomas approached with our bags.

"Are you okay, love?" he asked, kissing my forehead. "You look pale."

"I'm fine," I lied. "I'm just, um, excited to see everyone."

"Me too."

We walked out to our rented car and began the drive to Uncle Mario's house. I tried to make my breathing steady and calm myself down as we drove down the slightly familiar highway. The last time I had seen Sidney was when he had arrived unannounced at the apartment I was sharing with Sylvie. It had been almost a month since I had left Pittsburgh.

"Where's Karine?" Sidney had demanded the moment Sylvie opened the door.

"Sid, I really don't think..." she protested

"I need to talk to her," he insisted, pushing past her and entering the living room. I had heard his voice from the kitchen, and I reluctantly walked out to meet him.

"Hi, Sid," I said quietly.

"Listen," he said without telling me hello. He planted his hands firmly on my shoulders and looked into my eyes. I noticed his were slightly bloodshot. "You are all I can think about. I couldn't understand where I went wrong. What I did to lose you. And then I realized—you run. When you feel like you are too vulnerable, you run and hide. You're afraid to give yourself to someone because you're afraid he is going to toy with your emotions like you did to him. You run and think it will fix itself. Well, you are in for a rude awakening very soon. You're going to mess up bad. And you know what? I'll be there to pick up the pieces."

"Have you been drinking?" I asked, my forehead creased with worry.

"That doesn't matter," he replied. "Stop running, Karine. The day is going to come when no one will chase you anymore."

"Sidney, I think you should leave," I said firmly.

"You played with me and when you were done you threw me to the side like a worthless toy!" he shouted.

I flinched. I had never seen him this angry. "I'm sorry about everything, but this is for the best. You deserve better. Now goodbye, Sid." I placed my hand on his shoulder and steered him to the door.

"This is going to be your biggest regret!" he shouted as I closed the door in his face.

I clenched my eyes shut as I remembered the scene. Even after two years, the memories were still painful. Don't get me wrong…breaking up with Sidney was the best thing I could do. We had a fun, short-lived romance that I wouldn't forget even if I tried.

"Thomas," I said hesitantly, "Aunt Nathalie told me Sidney is going to be at dinner tonight."

"Oh," he replied bluntly. "Are you okay with that?"

"I guess I have to be." I ran my fingers through his short, light brown hair and smiled. "It should be interesting, anyway."

"I suppose." I knew Thomas would grit his teeth tonight and bear sitting at the same table as Sidney. The fact that I had dated Canada's most famous bachelor at one point was still an awkward topic.

My palms were damp with a nervous sweat as we pulled into Uncle Mario's driveway. I breathed a sigh of relief when I did not see Sidney's black Range Rover parked in the driveway. At least I could be spared the awkwardness of a reunion for another hour or so.

Aunt Nathalie greeted us warmly and ushered us to the room we would be staying in—the room I had occupied what felt like an entire lifetime ago.

Thomas put down our bags and yawned widely. "I think I'm going to take a nap before dinner," he said.

"Alright," I replied, giving him a peck on the cheek. I'll be downstairs. I want to see the kids."

I made my way downstairs and into the family room, where I found Austin and Alexa playing Wii tennis. I realized with a pang of regret how much they had grown. I hadn't seen them since last Christmas.

"Karine, play me next!" Austin demanded with a smile. "Alexa sucks. She isn't fun to play against."

I laughed as I watched Alexa wrinkle her face in frustration as she kept missing the ball. "This is dumb," she complained. "Let's play hockey."

Austin scored the winning point and punched her arm playfully. "Winner says we're still playing tennis. You're up, Karine."

I played a few rounds while catching up with the kids, asking how school was going and if they had been to any Penguins games. They were very careful not to mention Sidney—it made me wonder if, when Sidney was around the Lemieuxs, I was also a forbidden topic of conversation.

"You should come back to Pittsburgh," Alexa said. "We miss you."

"I miss you guys too, but I have a job in Montreal. I can't just leave."

"You left Pittsburgh," Austin mumbled quietly. I pretended not to hear as a familiar pain grasped my stomach. I still regretted the way I left Pittsburgh…I didn't tell Uncle Mario or Aunt Nathalie I was leaving. They found out from my parents that I had moved. I didn't even tell them goodbye.

I sighed deeply and half-heartedly played Wii tennis. My mind was wandering when I heard someone clear their throat in the doorway. "Karine," an all-too familiar voice said tenderly.

I dropped the controller and froze in place. "Hi, Sidney," I replied without turning around.

FIFTY-SIX

"Why?" he asked quietly. His hands were clenching the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles were white.

"I don't know," I replied, unsuccessfully trying to hold back tears.

"Don't cry." A flicker of sympathy momentarily showed in his eyes. "Talk to me, Karine." He let go of the steering wheel and slumped in his seat. "I know you've had a lot going on in your head. Let me in."

I took a deep breath and tried to clear my mind. There was so much that had built on me and now was my chance to let it out. From the outside, this probably looked like I was in the middle of a nervous breakdown. But really, as I was lying in bed this morning, I had come to a realization. Sidney and I…we were absolutely terrible for each other.

"I'm not mad," Sidney reassured me. He smiled sweetly and reached over to run his fingers through my hair. "Just talk. I'll listen. I know…I know you've been dealing with a lot lately and that's partially my fault. So just tell me everything you need to say. I'll decide if I need to punch Jordan after you're done."

I let out a small laugh and took another deep breath. "The whole thing with Alissa…" I averted my eyes to my feet and tried to calm myself down. "You believed her over me. Sid, you know I don't act like that under normal circumstances. You had to know something was wrong. But you argued with me. You let her chip away at me until I finally crumbled this morning. Even after I hit her, you still took her side. You have no idea how much that hurt."

Sid placed his hand under my chin and lifted my head so I had to look in his eyes. "I was wrong. And I am so sorry. I fooled myself into thinking that Alissa just wanted to be friends that I ignored the obvious signs that pointed to the contrary. I know I hurt you, and I'm sorry."

I nodded and wiped away the last of my tears. "It's…it's going to take me a while to get over that," I replied quietly.

"I understand." He hesitated a moment before asking, "Why did you kiss Jordan?"
=
"I felt—no, still feel—like everything is falling apart," I whispered.

"So you did that to make us fall faster? You're not making any sense."

"I just…I was thinking about you, and Alissa, and how everything became so messed up. And I thought about how everything with us always seemed to be going so fast. Too fast. I need to slow down and catch my breath but I was caught in this whirlwind and I feel like I have been struggling and fighting just to understand myself…and Jordan was there, with his arm around me, trying to tell me how sorry you were about everything, and I thought 'what if I'm making a huge mistake? What if this entire time I've been fighting for something that wasn't meant to last?' So…I kissed him. I was trying to prove to myself that it's only you. Always you. I wanted to make sure what I felt for you was completely unique and strong enough to get through anything."

Sid pressed the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger and clenched his eyes shut. "What are you saying?" he asked shakily.

I wrapped my hands around one of his and stroked his palm with my thumb. "The way I feel about you…there's no doubt in my mind that it's love. I have never felt so connected to anyone in my life. But this…this is all too much for me. Everything happened so fast, and it just feels like it has been one thing after another, you know? There was never a point where we were both completely happy. We're bad for each other, Sidney."

"No," he choked. "You are the best thing that has ever happened to me."

"I care about you so much," I replied as tears flooded my eyes once again. "But I need to let you go. You deserve so much more. I know one day you'll find it, and you will be so incredibly happy. And this…this will all seem like a bad dream."

"Karine…Karine…why are you doing this?"

Why was I doing this? The sick feeling that had crept into my stomach was telling me I was making a mistake. My heart was breaking, but my mind was telling me I was doing the right thing, both for myself and Sidney. I had to let him go. I loved him, but the past month had made me feel like I was drowning. I could barely keep my head above water and I knew I wouldn't be able to struggle much longer before I was too tired to keep fighting.

I glanced at my wrist and realized I was wearing the bracelet he had bought me for Christmas, what felt like decades ago. I undid the clasp and pressed it in his hand. "Goodbye, Sidney," I said as I brushed my lips against his cheek, which was wet with tears.

I stepped out of the Range Rover and made my way to my own car. Before sliding into the passenger seat, I glanced back and saw Sidney sitting with his head resting on the steering wheel, his shoulders shaking from sobbing.

I caught my breath and wanted to run to him, hold him, tell him everything would be okay, but I knew to him, they were all empty words. I had to make a clean break. Our relationship was hardly perfect, and while I did feel an enormous amount of love for him, I knew in the end this was better for both of us. Everything had moved much too fast—there were probably hockey fans who knew more about Sidney than I did. We were both young and immature…perhaps in a different time, different place, things could have worked out. It just wasn't our time.

As I drove out of the cemetery and pulled onto the nearly deserted highway, I knew I had done the right thing. The anxiety and near-depression that had been weighing on me so heavily the past few weeks slowly melted off of me and I drove towards the city, deciding to get a hotel room Downtown. This was my last night in Pittsburgh. This chapter of my life was ending.

FIFTY-FIVE

My body was shaking, both from the cold February air and all the emotions I was experiencing at this moment. I was angry at Sid, Alissa, and myself. How could I let her get the best of me? Was I really that intimidated by her? I felt so foolish—how many times had Sidney told me he was in love with me? I reacted in an immature way…he was dating me, not her. There was no excuse for what I did. As much as it would sting my pride, I knew I had to apologize to Alissa.

I drew in a shaky breath and stared at Connor's tombstone. Why had I come here? My heart was already breaking…seeing Connor's name carved in the cold, gray marble only made it hurt worse.

"I'm not sure how much longer Sid and I will be together, Con," I said quietly as I wiped the tears away from my face. I didn't feel silly or illogical for talking to Connor right now. Somehow, it felt right. "I know you told him not to let me go, but this isn't all his fault. Sometimes…sometimes things just don't work out."

I felt my phone vibrating in my coat pocket and pulled it out. Sidney was calling, but I pressed the 'ignore' button and took another deep breath. The cold winter air stung my lungs and I shivered again, pulling my knees to my chest in an attempt to stay warm.

I don't know how long I sat on the hard, cold ground in the desolate cemetery. I stared at Connor's grave marker, my mind completely empty, as the afternoon sun began to fade. I knew I should get back in my car and drive home before I froze to death, but I couldn't move.

I had never felt so completely empty and I was terrified.

The sound of a vehicle making its way down the cemetery lane brought me back to reality. I looked up and saw Jordan driving down the unpaved road in his SUV. I rested my forehead against my knees and sighed. I had been gone for hours, ignoring every one of Sidney's calls. He probably had the entire team combing the Pittsburgh area for me.

"Karine!" Jordan called as he made his way through the ankle-deep snow towards me. "Have you been here all day?"

I nodded, not meeting his concerned eyes.

"What the hell? You're frozen!" he said as he sat on the ground beside me. He hesitated a moment before wrapping his arm around me in an attempt to keep me warm.

"How did you know I was here?"

"We've been looking for you all day. I was going to look here earlier, but I didn't think anyone would be crazy enough to sit in the snow for hours. What is this? Some kind of self-inflicted punishment?"

"No," I replied. "I just…I left the arena and started driving…and I ended up here." I was beginning to notice just how cold I really was. My feet and hands were numb and my face was stinging from the cold. I shifted closer to Jordan to take full advantage of his body heat.

"Sid is freaking out. Why didn't you answer his calls?"

"I don't want to talk to him."

"I told him what happened. What Alissa said to you."

"And?"

"He asked her if it was true, and she admitted to it. The three of us were all in the locker room. And when she admitted that she was pushing you, saying all that stuff, I thought he was going to choke her. But he just got really calm, almost scary calm, and left. Mario came in a couple of minutes later and fired her."

I nodded slowly and exhaled. Alissa was gone…she wouldn't bother me anymore. I was relieved, but there was still one thing I couldn't swallow.

"Sid took her side," I whispered.

"That…that's something you two have to work out," Jordan replied. "He's so sorry. He was a freaking mess when we realized you had disappeared. I texted him when I saw your car here…he's on his way."

I rested my head on his shoulder and let the tears that had been building up fall freely. "He took her side, Jordan. I told him so many times what she was trying to do and he never believed me. And then I finally confronted her, finally stood up for myself, and he took her side."

"I know, Karine. It will be okay. Everything will be okay."

He pressed his lips against my cold forehead and my stomach did a tiny flip. My head snapped up and my heart began to race.

"Oh, shit, I'm sorry," Jordan said once he saw my confused expression. "I shouldn't have…fuck. I'm sorry," he apologized frantically. "I don't know…it was just instinct. You were crying, and I—"

I placed my hand on the side of his face and stroked his cheek with my thumb. My breathing had become shallow, my heart was beating dangerously hard, and my stomach felt like it was in knots. I didn't even think about what I was doing.

Our lips met, and at first Jordan tried to protest, but I wasn't going to let go of this impulsive moment. He began to return my frantic kisses and moved his hand to the back of my neck, pulling me even closer.

Even while this was happening, I was disconnected from the moment. My inner voice was trying to reason with me, trying to get me to pull away from Jordan.

You're burning bridges, Karine. Things were fixable…not anymore. When Sid finds out about this he's going to kill you both. Why Jordan? You don't like him. Not in that way. You were so afraid of losing Sid to Alissa, and now look what you've done! The second your lips touched Jordan's you kicked Sid out of your life. You've just ruined the best thing that has ever happened to you.

The sound of a vehicle driving down the road brought both Jordan and I back to reality. We looked to the lane and saw Sid's Range Rover approaching quickly. I swallowed nervously and looked at Jordan. We were wearing the same scared, guilty expression.

"What just happened?" Jordan asked quietly.

I shook my head and tried to answer, but no words came out of my mouth.

"Oh my God," he said as he jumped to his feet. "Oh my God. He's going to kill me." The blood drained from his face as Sid climbed out of his car and ran towards us.

I stood up and inhaled deeply. The butterflies I had felt when Jordan kissed my forehead had turned into nausea.

"Oh, Jordan," I said quietly, "I am so sorry."

Before Jordan could respond, Sid had reached us and pulled me into a warm hug. "Are you okay? God, you're so cold. Staalsy, why didn't you try to warm her up?"

Jordan flushed and muttered something about dinner, and then hurried to his car and sped away. Sidney watched him with a confused look on his face, and then turned his attention back to me.

"Come on, let's go sit in the car. Oh, sweetheart, you're frozen."

The nausea I was feeling only got stronger as the concern in Sid's voice grew. I climbed into the passenger seat of the Range Rover and Sid turned the heat on full blast.

I turned to look at him and opened my mouth to say something, but before I could he pulled me into a tight hug.

"I am so sorry. Alissa admitted to everything. I am so sorry. I thought she just wanted to be friends…I had no idea. Can you ever forgive me?"

I swallowed hard and squeezed my eyes shut. I was shaking, but not from the cold. I felt so guilty and I knew I needed to say something, but, once again, before I could talk Sidney pressed on.

"You're so angry with me right now. You can't even talk to me. You can't even look at me. Oh God, I am such a terrible person. What did I do to you?"

His self-loathing, the guilt he felt, was nothing compared to what was going on inside my mind. It wasn't a matter of me forgiving him…he had to forgive me.

"Sidney," I paused and swallowed nervously. My voice was shaking and I braced myself for his reaction. "I kissed Jordan."

His expression was blank as he tried to process this information. "What?"