Tuesday, October 21, 2008

FIFTY-SIX

"Why?" he asked quietly. His hands were clenching the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles were white.

"I don't know," I replied, unsuccessfully trying to hold back tears.

"Don't cry." A flicker of sympathy momentarily showed in his eyes. "Talk to me, Karine." He let go of the steering wheel and slumped in his seat. "I know you've had a lot going on in your head. Let me in."

I took a deep breath and tried to clear my mind. There was so much that had built on me and now was my chance to let it out. From the outside, this probably looked like I was in the middle of a nervous breakdown. But really, as I was lying in bed this morning, I had come to a realization. Sidney and I…we were absolutely terrible for each other.

"I'm not mad," Sidney reassured me. He smiled sweetly and reached over to run his fingers through my hair. "Just talk. I'll listen. I know…I know you've been dealing with a lot lately and that's partially my fault. So just tell me everything you need to say. I'll decide if I need to punch Jordan after you're done."

I let out a small laugh and took another deep breath. "The whole thing with Alissa…" I averted my eyes to my feet and tried to calm myself down. "You believed her over me. Sid, you know I don't act like that under normal circumstances. You had to know something was wrong. But you argued with me. You let her chip away at me until I finally crumbled this morning. Even after I hit her, you still took her side. You have no idea how much that hurt."

Sid placed his hand under my chin and lifted my head so I had to look in his eyes. "I was wrong. And I am so sorry. I fooled myself into thinking that Alissa just wanted to be friends that I ignored the obvious signs that pointed to the contrary. I know I hurt you, and I'm sorry."

I nodded and wiped away the last of my tears. "It's…it's going to take me a while to get over that," I replied quietly.

"I understand." He hesitated a moment before asking, "Why did you kiss Jordan?"
=
"I felt—no, still feel—like everything is falling apart," I whispered.

"So you did that to make us fall faster? You're not making any sense."

"I just…I was thinking about you, and Alissa, and how everything became so messed up. And I thought about how everything with us always seemed to be going so fast. Too fast. I need to slow down and catch my breath but I was caught in this whirlwind and I feel like I have been struggling and fighting just to understand myself…and Jordan was there, with his arm around me, trying to tell me how sorry you were about everything, and I thought 'what if I'm making a huge mistake? What if this entire time I've been fighting for something that wasn't meant to last?' So…I kissed him. I was trying to prove to myself that it's only you. Always you. I wanted to make sure what I felt for you was completely unique and strong enough to get through anything."

Sid pressed the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger and clenched his eyes shut. "What are you saying?" he asked shakily.

I wrapped my hands around one of his and stroked his palm with my thumb. "The way I feel about you…there's no doubt in my mind that it's love. I have never felt so connected to anyone in my life. But this…this is all too much for me. Everything happened so fast, and it just feels like it has been one thing after another, you know? There was never a point where we were both completely happy. We're bad for each other, Sidney."

"No," he choked. "You are the best thing that has ever happened to me."

"I care about you so much," I replied as tears flooded my eyes once again. "But I need to let you go. You deserve so much more. I know one day you'll find it, and you will be so incredibly happy. And this…this will all seem like a bad dream."

"Karine…Karine…why are you doing this?"

Why was I doing this? The sick feeling that had crept into my stomach was telling me I was making a mistake. My heart was breaking, but my mind was telling me I was doing the right thing, both for myself and Sidney. I had to let him go. I loved him, but the past month had made me feel like I was drowning. I could barely keep my head above water and I knew I wouldn't be able to struggle much longer before I was too tired to keep fighting.

I glanced at my wrist and realized I was wearing the bracelet he had bought me for Christmas, what felt like decades ago. I undid the clasp and pressed it in his hand. "Goodbye, Sidney," I said as I brushed my lips against his cheek, which was wet with tears.

I stepped out of the Range Rover and made my way to my own car. Before sliding into the passenger seat, I glanced back and saw Sidney sitting with his head resting on the steering wheel, his shoulders shaking from sobbing.

I caught my breath and wanted to run to him, hold him, tell him everything would be okay, but I knew to him, they were all empty words. I had to make a clean break. Our relationship was hardly perfect, and while I did feel an enormous amount of love for him, I knew in the end this was better for both of us. Everything had moved much too fast—there were probably hockey fans who knew more about Sidney than I did. We were both young and immature…perhaps in a different time, different place, things could have worked out. It just wasn't our time.

As I drove out of the cemetery and pulled onto the nearly deserted highway, I knew I had done the right thing. The anxiety and near-depression that had been weighing on me so heavily the past few weeks slowly melted off of me and I drove towards the city, deciding to get a hotel room Downtown. This was my last night in Pittsburgh. This chapter of my life was ending.

37 comments:

Manda said...

I just. Wow. What? Wow. I'm in shock. That was great. Definitely did not see that! Talk about a curve ball.

JerseyLove said...

Ahh, that was too good; loved it! There's no way that's the end for them, right?! Please, update soon!

katie said...

you better stop it right now, summer - no more of this break-up stuff! :)

Lauren said...

Noooooooooo! She might think she made the right decision, but I sure as heck don't think so!

they need to fix things, and soon please! :)

Aeryn said...

I don't even know what to say, ummm... I... hmmm. It was extremely good, but that can't be the end, right, please? What a huge twist in the story.

Kayla Elizabeth said...

Ok, I'm hoping there's a big twist in this!! :D

gilld22 said...

Oh no, I cant believe that you broke it off with him - you are not ending the story are you? Please dont it is so good!

Steph said...

noo!
I really hope you are not ending the story with that.
awhhh thats so sad, I don't like them not being together. gahhh!
really good chapter though, update soon.

Katie said...

Awwwhh!
I feel so bad for Sidney.
This was a really good/sad chapter.

Val/stovgirl said...

So did not see that coming, but like the twist, now he needs to win her back and she needs to forgive him...do not end this story, please...thanks for updating so quickly again, too!

Madi! said...

Wow.
I dod not see that coming.
Hopefully everything works out.
Great storayy :]

KD said...

Nooo!
They can't be breaking up! I hope this is a huge twist and you aren't ending the story. I'm in shock. And so sad for him. :(

Another fantastic chapter...I just hope there's lots more to come!

Sam said...

Whoa. Please do not end this story, it is so good. I think they both need some time apart so they can calm down and then realize that they belong together. Seriously though, that cannot be the end of their relationship.

Please post more soon!

LC said...

I would be sooo upset if you ended the story like that! It can't be the end it just can't at least if you are going to finish the story, let it be a happy ending pleasee. I love this story too much for it to end! Once again, you are an amazing writer, keep up the great work!

Anonymous said...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
This can't possible.
Dude the so cannot break up.
That would be awful!
You can't leave us hanging!

sportsgirl3115 said...

"This chapter of my life is ending."
WHAT?! You better not end it there. I'll be more mad than Karine was at Sidney! You cannot end it there! Please let them get back together and have hot make-up se first, lol. Then, if you really want, you can end it.
But I would love you to continue a bit longer. I love this story!

Summer said...

This isn't the last chapter, I promise. It's just taking me longer to update than I thought it would. Stupid tests grr.

JerseyLove said...

Any clue on when your next update might be? ;]
I'm such a sucker for this story; I check it everyday!!!

Anonymous said...

oh my god.
i have tears streaming down my face right now. this is the first time i've cried in a while.

WHYYY! if you're in love with someone, you're supposed to be with them. I hope this whole break up thing is a dream, or a joke or something. they are meant to be together!!

crosbysbuddy said...

I cried at the end of that chapter...what would be ironic is if Sid went back to Alissa and then it would totally serve Karine right for dumping him, grrr

Molly said...

update soon!??!
i'm in withdrawl!!

this story is EXACTLY my brand of heroin!

yeah yeah yeah quoting twilight! =]

Kristen said...

write more sooooooon :)

Summer said...

I'm trying to figure out where to go with this story, and unfortunately finals are coming up next week so I won't be able to write much until break. But once I'm on break I'll have TONS of time to write.

CBK said...

This story changed my life.
I am crying right now though - please add more!

Anonymous said...

i love this story! please update soon!

Ellen said...

i just re-read your whole story. can't wait for an update, hope its soon. :)

alice said...

that was sooo awesome.... i love your blog !!!!!

Anonymous said...

have you stopped updating? cause i really need you to keep writing cause i love this story!

Ellen said...

me too!!! i love it

Summer said...

I'm so sorry everyone, I meant to update at least once over break but things have been so crazy with the holidays, plus I've been having some health problems so my life has been a little hectic lately. I promise I will update as soon as I can.

mariabprice said...

this is flawless..please update soon

KD said...

Feel better, Summer!
Can't wait for an update!

Stephanie said...

I hope you feel better! Your story is amazing.

Molly said...

hey.
i know it's been a WHILE, but do you plan on updating this story again!? it's one of my fave's and i just can't live without it!

Anonymous said...

You know, it's okay if you can't update the story. I think you should just end it. Write an epilogue or a concluding chapter or something.

Anonymous said...

so i actually just found this story a couple days ago but i haven't been able to stop reading! its so good. i've actually teared up at a couple parts. so sad that im towards the end and that you wrote this story 2 years ago so no way would you continue it any further. but really, its such a great story!

emcrawf said...

OMG NO, i'm so mad!