FIFTY-SIX

"Why?" he asked quietly. His hands were clenching the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles were white.

"I don't know," I replied, unsuccessfully trying to hold back tears.

"Don't cry." A flicker of sympathy momentarily showed in his eyes. "Talk to me, Karine." He let go of the steering wheel and slumped in his seat. "I know you've had a lot going on in your head. Let me in."

I took a deep breath and tried to clear my mind. There was so much that had built on me and now was my chance to let it out. From the outside, this probably looked like I was in the middle of a nervous breakdown. But really, as I was lying in bed this morning, I had come to a realization. Sidney and I…we were absolutely terrible for each other.

"I'm not mad," Sidney reassured me. He smiled sweetly and reached over to run his fingers through my hair. "Just talk. I'll listen. I know…I know you've been dealing with a lot lately and that's partially my fault. So just tell me everything you need to say. I'll decide if I need to punch Jordan after you're done."

I let out a small laugh and took another deep breath. "The whole thing with Alissa…" I averted my eyes to my feet and tried to calm myself down. "You believed her over me. Sid, you know I don't act like that under normal circumstances. You had to know something was wrong. But you argued with me. You let her chip away at me until I finally crumbled this morning. Even after I hit her, you still took her side. You have no idea how much that hurt."

Sid placed his hand under my chin and lifted my head so I had to look in his eyes. "I was wrong. And I am so sorry. I fooled myself into thinking that Alissa just wanted to be friends that I ignored the obvious signs that pointed to the contrary. I know I hurt you, and I'm sorry."

I nodded and wiped away the last of my tears. "It's…it's going to take me a while to get over that," I replied quietly.

"I understand." He hesitated a moment before asking, "Why did you kiss Jordan?"
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"I felt—no, still feel—like everything is falling apart," I whispered.

"So you did that to make us fall faster? You're not making any sense."

"I just…I was thinking about you, and Alissa, and how everything became so messed up. And I thought about how everything with us always seemed to be going so fast. Too fast. I need to slow down and catch my breath but I was caught in this whirlwind and I feel like I have been struggling and fighting just to understand myself…and Jordan was there, with his arm around me, trying to tell me how sorry you were about everything, and I thought 'what if I'm making a huge mistake? What if this entire time I've been fighting for something that wasn't meant to last?' So…I kissed him. I was trying to prove to myself that it's only you. Always you. I wanted to make sure what I felt for you was completely unique and strong enough to get through anything."

Sid pressed the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger and clenched his eyes shut. "What are you saying?" he asked shakily.

I wrapped my hands around one of his and stroked his palm with my thumb. "The way I feel about you…there's no doubt in my mind that it's love. I have never felt so connected to anyone in my life. But this…this is all too much for me. Everything happened so fast, and it just feels like it has been one thing after another, you know? There was never a point where we were both completely happy. We're bad for each other, Sidney."

"No," he choked. "You are the best thing that has ever happened to me."

"I care about you so much," I replied as tears flooded my eyes once again. "But I need to let you go. You deserve so much more. I know one day you'll find it, and you will be so incredibly happy. And this…this will all seem like a bad dream."

"Karine…Karine…why are you doing this?"

Why was I doing this? The sick feeling that had crept into my stomach was telling me I was making a mistake. My heart was breaking, but my mind was telling me I was doing the right thing, both for myself and Sidney. I had to let him go. I loved him, but the past month had made me feel like I was drowning. I could barely keep my head above water and I knew I wouldn't be able to struggle much longer before I was too tired to keep fighting.

I glanced at my wrist and realized I was wearing the bracelet he had bought me for Christmas, what felt like decades ago. I undid the clasp and pressed it in his hand. "Goodbye, Sidney," I said as I brushed my lips against his cheek, which was wet with tears.

I stepped out of the Range Rover and made my way to my own car. Before sliding into the passenger seat, I glanced back and saw Sidney sitting with his head resting on the steering wheel, his shoulders shaking from sobbing.

I caught my breath and wanted to run to him, hold him, tell him everything would be okay, but I knew to him, they were all empty words. I had to make a clean break. Our relationship was hardly perfect, and while I did feel an enormous amount of love for him, I knew in the end this was better for both of us. Everything had moved much too fast—there were probably hockey fans who knew more about Sidney than I did. We were both young and immature…perhaps in a different time, different place, things could have worked out. It just wasn't our time.

As I drove out of the cemetery and pulled onto the nearly deserted highway, I knew I had done the right thing. The anxiety and near-depression that had been weighing on me so heavily the past few weeks slowly melted off of me and I drove towards the city, deciding to get a hotel room Downtown. This was my last night in Pittsburgh. This chapter of my life was ending.